


I will forget you...

by PsychoKillerWolf



Category: the GazettE
Genre: Angst and Feels, Aoiha - Freeform, Blind Love, Boys In Love, Declarations Of Love, Emotional Hurt, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Falling In Love, Feels, Hurt, Hurt No Comfort, J-ROCK Band, Kaita - freeform, Kaoi - Freeform, Light Angst, Love, Love Confessions, Love/Hate, M/M, One-Sided Attraction, Painful Love, Puppy Love, Reikai, Sad, Sweet, Unrequited Love, Visual Kei, the GazettE - Freeform, uruki - Freeform
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-07-03
Updated: 2018-07-03
Packaged: 2019-06-04 17:11:22
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,571
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15151820
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/PsychoKillerWolf/pseuds/PsychoKillerWolf
Summary: ...I definitely will





	I will forget you...

We are collecting our stuff after practice, just like we do every time. That's what it is. Just a normal day with the same smooth routine. Nothing different. My movements slow down as my mind starts running. Thoughts filled with past events and random emotions. I wonder about the present, the current situations. A lot of things have happened lately and honestly I'm not sure if it's for better or worse. I'm not sure where I'm going from here and I'm completely unsure of what I want. But for the very first time in a while, I'm proud of my actions. Not fully happy maybe but I'm ok. And that's what matters. I pull myself back to reality and notice everyone's already gone. Again, nothing different. Or at least that's what I thought until I felt a light pull on my sleeve. I turn around and the first thing I see is your eyes staring at me. I don't know if there's any emotion behind them but there is definitely some tention.

"Aoi-kun, what is it?" I simply ask and you seem to take a deep breath before answering me.

"Don't  stop loving me." You say and I slightly bend my head in confusion. All of a sudden I can't breathe because no, it can't be. You wouldn't say such a thing. So I use all my calmness and sanity in order to clarify the situation.

"W-what did you say?" I try to make myself look unshaken by your statement but my voice is trembling and barely hearable.

"I said... You don't have to stop being in love with me."

 

...

 

_"Aoi!" I yell as I run across the street. I need to catch up to you before you get into that club. I need to talk to you in peace and quiet. You hult at the mention of your name. Finally, I reach you._

_"What is it?"_

_I stop in front of you. I want to catch my breath but I can't seem to have one. I swallow hard. Realising my heart is beating so loud I can clearly hear it bumping inside my head. I can't look at you in the eyes, I know I won't be able to handle it. Just like I know this is a terrible idea but I've been keeping it inside for far too long and its too late to go back now._

_"I love you" I manage to say, using all of my courage. I look up to you and do the only thing I can. I wait. After a few moments of silence that seem like years to me you start making your way into the club._

_"Wait up." I call you, my hand reaching to grab the end of your coat-sleeve. You turn around and look at me._

_"Aren't you done?" You ask me through that unreadable face of yours. Such a reaction  did not expect I have to admit._

_"W-won't you say something?" My question came out as a whisper and yet my mind was yelling. I knew what was coming yet I was too desperate to admit it to myself until I got a clear answer._

_With a deep sigh, you turn your head to the left. Refusing to face me now._

_"You really are an idiot aren't you?" You shake your head in what looks like dissapointment.  "Well Kai, here's my answer to you:" You say and for some reason, my mind is full of hope. Hanging by your next words, as if I don't know I'll fall.._  
_"I don't care." You finish and there's the feeling I was hoping would never come._

 _I knew. I knew this was going to happen yet why was the pain so bad? As if it would hit me by surprise. As if I was sure you returned my feelings._  
_Apparently your words did the trick you realise and finally enter the club where the others are waiting. I silently follow. I usually don't like loud and crowded places like this but at that very moment the club was the perfect shelter, loud and lightless. No one would hear my voice breaking into pathetic sobs here. No one would see my eyes water._

 

...

 

_You are sitting on a bench somewhere near the studio, probably taking a break since today you were scheduled to record since the early morning. You look completely exhausted, your face is pale. Have you even eaten anything today? Probably not. Perhaps you forgot your wallet even. That's not right. Without thinking much I walk up to you and take a seat beside you. You ignore me._

_"You look tired. Are you hungry?" I asked successfully getting your attention._

_"Does it matter?"_

_"Of course it does! Here" I take out a bento box from my backpack and show it to you. "Since I've already eaten breakfast I don't need it, so you should have it." I smile as you inspect the now opened box then look at me straight into the eye and let out a huf._

_"Are you five years old?" You ask unamused and my smile drops._

_"Huh?"_

_"Tch, you really think by acting friendly I'll fall in love with you? What a drag.."_

_"No that's not it! I just genuinely care about you. About all of you-"_

_"Good, then go ahead and care about someone else. I don't need your pity." You spit out and sit up._

_"I don't pity you Aoi!" I speak up again, sitting up as well and once again approach you._

_"If it's so hard for you to accept something from me just imagine it's from someone else.....please." I say in a final attempt to help you. My own words sadden me deeply as I know who you'd be imagining as well...but I can't be selfish right now. Your well being matters the most._

_You clench your fist before pushing the box out of my hands angrily and letting it fall on the ground._

_"I said I don't want your fuckin' help Kai! Why is it so hard to understand?!" You yell at me. I just stand there looking at the awful mess that used to be my meal as the familiar feeling of sadness overtakes me once again._

_You look at the time on your phone and groan before you start walking away again. Only stopping for a brief moment before saying:_

_"And thanks for wasting my break"_

 

.....

_"For the last time Aoi, my answer is no. I'm sorry."_

_I hear a voice coming from the hallway. No doubt it's Uruha's voice._

_"Why?!" You demand angrily. "Why him? What does he have that I don't?"_

_"He makes me happy. You don't." Uruha sais softly, there is almost fear in his voice. He clearly doesn't want to hurt your feelings._

_"You don't know that! Why don't you stop being such a moron for two seconds and think who's better-"_

_"That's exactly my point!" Uruha yells. Our easygoing calm guitarist has lost his temper and it's almost as sad as scary. Why did you have to push him so much?_  
  
_"You're trying to convince me of what? See what I'll gain? You are human beings Aoi, not products! I don't care who's better and I dont care what you say because like it or not, for me Ruki always comes first! Do I have to yell at you to understand? I just.. I can't see you that way!"_

_You now lower your head but I can tell there's a frown on your beautiful face. Uruha leaves and you just stand there. Numb. I can't stand it. It pains me to see you sad. So even though I know I shouldn't, my feet move on their own as I walk up to you._

_"Hey, it's going to be ok." I try to comfort you and for the first time in almost two years you don't flinch when my hand gently touches your shoulder. I bite my buttom lip to prevent myself from instinctively smiling at that._

_"I tried so hard. So fuckin' hard to make him want me! And what do I get? Nothing." You exclaim. If only you knew how much I understand you right now...how much I want to help you._

_"At least... Aren't you glad that he's happy?"_

_"He's .... I don't know..." You manage to say as your face breaks apart and crystal tears start running down your soft cheeks. No, anything but that please! I gently cup your cheeks and you lean into my touch. If you weren't in such a state this would be the best moment of my life. But there's no room for my emotions right now. I pull myself together and gently wipe your tears away. You look me in the eyes then and I swear my heart stops beating. I say nothing for a while, just letting you take it all out._

_"Don't be sad anymore, please. Perhaps this is for the best." I give you a comforting grin and you keep looking at me. So innocently. Like a lost animal that just found shelter, too scared of what it's been through to completely trust that's safe. You keep staring at me. And it almost feels like there's something more to it. Almost... as it only lasted a few seconds before you realise more of the situation and harshly push me away. Again._

_"This is what you wanted from the start!"_

_"What do you mean?"_

_"You think that by acting like you care about me I'll like you? That saying a few comforting words will make me spare a second look at you?!"_

_"That was none of my intention-"_

_"You're lying Kai! I tried to push you away but you don't seem to get it! I can see the way you look at me, the way you talk when you're around me."_

_"So what?!" I burst out. I know I must not and I'm probably loosing my only chance to come the slightest closer to you but I can't take it anymore. "Isn't this the same for you and Uruha? Hasn't he told you many times that he is in love with someone else? That doesn't make you stop feeling what you feel! Why is it always so wrong for you when it comes to me?!" I demand. And it's not until I stop that I realise my eyes have watered. I feel ashamed really but I also remain desperate, seeking for an answer. What is wrong with me already?_

_You stare at me for a while, your expression stiff and cold._

_"You're simply annoying Kai. All.. caring and spending your time preparing speeches and gifts and stuff for what you know will never happen. I have more chances with Uruha. You don't and you never will. Besides" You take a few steps close to me piercing me with your sight._

_"After all these years you should now I don't like unattractive people. Both in looks and character." You say and my chest is burning. Of all the things you've talled me why does the pain keep coming? I have to do my best in order not to let any more tears fall but it's so hard when it hurts so much._

_"So get this." You continue. "If you really want me to be happy then stop giving a shit. Your caring is pure annoyance and you only end up wasting my time." With a harsh push on my shoulder you pass me. I can't even turn to look at you at this rate. All I want is to be able to be the one who makes you smile... The thought of me burdening you is just too unbearable...and maybe it's what actually hurts the most. I let out a few sobs not realising you're not completely away until you speak up._

_"Oh and Kai"_

_I turn around at that. I can't help it. Maybe it's out of selfishness. Maybe deep down I hope that you feel something, even the slightest sympathy towards me. Yet you won't look back at me. You don't even stop walking as you say._

_"Don't cry so much. It's really getting on my nerves."_

_The door closing behind you is the last thing I hear of the world around me. Now there's only the cracking sound of my heart left. My body goes numb and my vision blurs as more new tears are streaming out of my eyes. I get it now. I'll never be part of your life. I finally admit to myself as much as I don't want to. I clench my fists and choke back more sobs._

_"I'll stop loving you.." I say to myself. "No matter what it takes I will forget you."_

_I wipe the tears away with my sleeve. I won't cry anymore. Not for you but for my own shake. I'll be fine. For me you're a complete stranger from now on._

 

....

 

_Ever since that day I did my best in order to comprehend the new reality I was into. I didn't talk to you or talk about you. I didn't even look a you for a few months. We walked passed each other many times yet I don't remember any of it._

_I bumped into you the other day. I apologised sincerely and bowed._

_"Why are you being so formal?" You asked and I grinned politely. Nothing near my usual full smile. I haven't done that in a while anyway._

_"I'm just being polite. After all, we barely know each other right?"_

_I leave after that but I can feel your eyes on my back. You seem shocked of how much I changed. Perhaps you're shocked in a good way... because I stopped bothering you since that's what you wanted. It's not like I care though. I don't even remember how that feels._

_~_

_Life goes on. I keep walking not even turning to look at you. It was really hard at the beginning. It hurted a lot but I think I can finally feel my heart healing. I guess love does fade away after some time after all. Most of it at least._

_"Stop acting like you don't know me!" I can hear you shout. Honestly I didnt even notice you in the first place but it doesn't matter. I won't stop to spare a look at you. I can't. I won't ruin myself again._

_~_

_We've come in terms with eachother for the shake of the band. I guess they're right. I can't completely ignore you so we agreed to at least try and work together. Surprisingly enough it wasn't that hard. It happened pretty naturally too. We worked peacefully and almost never argued. We almost started becoming friends after a while even. Now this felt pretty nostalgic. And the best part? After what seemed like forever I was finally starting to feel ok._

 

...

 

_We're at a small bar now, all five of us. Relaxing, drinking, telling jokes, enjoying eachother's company. It's nice... even though you look awfully quiet tonight._

_"Cheers to Kai!" Reita announces out of the blue and takes me by surprise. "For his mood has finally brightened again!.... If only his cooking had the same improvement." He finished making everyone laugh._

_"What can I say, life has finally stopped being an ass" I half joke and have a good amount of Vodka. Maybe Uruha is not completely wrong when he claims this thing makes you feel good. "And if you were to starve to death you'd finally appreciate my skills Rei" I playfully add._

_"But that won't happen anytime soon so don't get your hopes up but I'm a good person so I might give it another try next time you cook.~" He sais and winks at me. I smile._

_"Sounds like a plan."_

_~_

_The night went on rather smoothly. Ruki was mostly checking his phone, Uruha made sure we never ran out of drinks and me and Reita kept doing small talk and laugh like middle schoolers. I didn't dare to lay eyes on you but I could tell something was really pissing you off. Was it something we said? Or perhaps we talked so much you felt abandoned? Maybe you're still moody over Uruha. It must be really hard for you being this close to him right? Not that I care anymore. Whatever the case, our attention was soon at Ruki who cursed loudly as a very drunk guitarist decided to fall asleep and let his head fall on our vocalist's side of the table and onto his phone. Probably ruining an e-mail the other was writing for a while now._

_"Well I guess that's our sign. We should head home." Reita said and Ruki seemed to agree placing Uruha's arm behind his shoulders and getting up dragging him along away from the table._

_"Come on you alcoholic bastard." He complained as the two left the picture. It was a lovely sight actually.... in it's on weird and stupid way. I smile to myself and my eyes land on the restauran't clock that's hanging on the wall and realisation hits me. I turn to the man next to me._

_"Um Rei? Since we have early practice tomorrow I don't think I'll be on time if I go home now..." I start. I really don't want to bother him but my home's very far from here. "Can I please stay at your place?"_

_"No!" Both Reita and I turn to you, shocked by your sudden answer._

_"I mean his house is small..." You start explaining. "Kai won't be comfortable." You turn to our bassist. "And as far as I can remember you don't have a spare bed either."_

_"Oh that's ok. I'm completely fine sleeping on the couch" I say before turning to look at Reita myself. "...if he's ok with that of course."_

_"Yeah totally. And if you feel uncomfortable you can always join me. I have a king size bed after all." Reita replies with a smile which I warmly return and instinctively throw my arms at him._

_"Thank you Rei!" I exclaim happily._

_He only chuckled returning my embrace. "Don't even mention it."_

_"I'll be leaving first." You suddenly say. And these were your last words. I can tell you're tensed as you leave some cash on the table and dissapear. Not even raising your head the slightest. I was sure you had a long day and just wanted to go home and get some good amount of sleep. Little did I know you didn't sleep at all, for the next day you were completely exhausted, unbalanced, sleepy. There were noticeable dark circles under your eyes and it was hard for you to focus. And as much as I hate to admit it, I was worried about you._

 

...

 

So here we are now. Completely frozen and looking into eachother's eyes. How do you do it? How do you manage to shake my entire soul just by one simple phrase of yours? My heart's rushing. It's going so fast I'm pretty sure it'll leave my chest. Could it be? After all this time do you finally return my feelings? And even more... after all this pain, am I able to forget about everything and accept you?

"What are you saying.." I speak slowly, carefully. "D-do you... do you love me?" I ask. It's one simple question with an even more simple answer and yet I can feel my whole body overtaken by adrenaline. But you just stand there. Unshakable. Simply staring at me the same way as before. I am so confused. You don't seem to feel...anything at all. So what was that all about?

"You don't...do you?" I ask. My heart's silently begging you to say something. Anything but you just look away and I know what your answer is. I take a deep breath and exhale.

"So you really don't." I say bitterly. "Why did you tell me this then? Aren't you the one who wanted me to stop?!" I don't know what's happening. Everything that was building up inside of my these last few minutes has turned into a mix of sadness and pure fury.  
  
"So the perfect Aoi has to be loved anyway huh? Even when he never returns what he recieves." I state and you bite your buttom lip. Just like a kid who's getting scoffed by his parents after breaking some vase. Unfortunatelly it's not a vase you've broken.  
  
"Well guess what! I'm done being a fuckin' doormat! I'm not your puppy! You cannot tell me when to stop or not stop having feelings so leave me be!" I yell angrily at you and you flinch. Do I scare you? Good. You should be scared because I'm so done doing that. Tears of anger are threatening to escape my eyes but I somehow manage to push them back. Shaking my head I walk past you for what seems like the thousand time. I grab the door knob and stop for a moment, knowing you're now looking at me and knowing very well that look. So I decide to tell you something, something that might or might not be true but now that's up to you to decide.

"Don't be so arrogant. While you were busy hating the life out of me I actually found a very nice person."

And the door closing behind me is the last thing you hear of the world around you...

 

**Author's Note:**

> Hello dear readers. I just felt like going a little deeper into one of the many different scenarios based on the angsty side of Kai's and Aoi's relationship. (I admit I love angst more than I should :'). Anyway it's up to you to decide what happens next between the two (if something does) so I leave the story at that. I really hope you enjoyed it ^^  
> Comments are more than welcome~


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